March, 2017 | Kettle Moraine Counseling

Why am I always Stressed Out and Irritable?

Deb Graf sees children, adolescents, adults and couples and she comes with many years of experience as a teacher. One of Deb’s specialties is working with children who have experienced trauma or have attachment issues.

Question and Answer.
I feel so stressed out and irritable all the time! What are some ways I can get a handle of this?

First off, good job recognizing that something needs to change! There are many reasons why we feel a lot of stress and many ways to make changes in our stress level. First off, try and identify which areas of your life cause the most stress (work, family, finances, physical health, etc) and then deal with each area individually. For example, if getting the kids off to school is a very difficult part of your day, there are organizational things you can do to make it easier, the same with supper time, or with taking better care of yourself. Getting more organized will help enormously on your stress level.

Next, there are some general stress reduction tips that work for many of us. How we label an event or situation greatly contributes to how we feel about it- so putting things in a more positive light helps us to feel better about it (reframing). Get support- our relationships are important, and nourishing those relationships is a huge stress reducer (as long as the relationships are conflict ridden). Physical activity is important for reducing stress so make time to take a walk, ride a bike, or do yoga. Particularly doing an activity in nature is even more healing. Touching is a big stress reducer for me- hugging or holding hands with my husband almost always brings my stress down a few notches. Reduce your internet and TV time- these can be huge time wasters. Don’t cut them out because a certain level is fun and stress reducing, but watching/surfing too much causes our stress to rise. And finally, don’t beat yourself up! Be gentle and encouraging with yourself and you will find that will translate to other relationships also.

Excerpt from blog Mindful Living: Self Esteem

What is self esteem? It seems like a not so well defined word that we use a lot in daily life. I see many people who think they do not have high self esteem, and it always takes some digging to find out what that means to them.

How I define self esteem is this sturdiness inside, and a love for ourselves on a deep level, even with our imperfections. It’s the sense that we know we are OK. The most beautiful part of knowing that we are OK, is that others are OK then too- and that is very powerful for relationships and healing. www.devonamarshall@blogspot.com

Kettle Moraine Counseling has openings for clients! And we can usually get people in that day or the following day. We take most insurance, and also, work out payment arrangements when needed.

Research:

Chronic Stress Linked to Obesity; September 5, 2010, PsychCentral : Everyday stress can cause metabolic changes that, in the long run, contribute to obesity.

We are happy to announce 2 new therapists joining us!

Deb Graf sees children, adolescents, adults and couples and she comes with many years of experience as a teacher. One of Deb’s specialties is working with children who have experienced trauma or have attachment issues.

Layne Sampson is another new therapist who is energetic, accepting of others and very skilled. She sees adolescents, adults and couples and one of her specialties is intimacy/couples issues. Layne is also working on becoming a yoga instructor!

Kettle Moraine Counseling now has a play therapy room (pictures coming soon)! It’s a wonderful, safe place for children to explore, heal and express themselves.

I don’t know how to punish my teen for “bad behavior” – nothing works

This summer hasn’t been easy without central air conditioning! The mugginess really got to me, but as I write this newsletter, the weather is perfect- high of mid 70’s during the day and lows in the 50’s at night- very good sleeping weather.

Question of the Month: I don’t know how to punish my teen for “bad behavior” – nothing works and I am frustrated and angry.

This is so common- the punishments and rewards we used on our children when they were younger, do not work when they become pre-teenage and teenage. We need to parent differently and it isn’t always easy. Here are a few tips to make it easier on you and them! 1. use phone/ TV/ internet as rewards and/or punishments, but in SHORT time frames; when we take things away for too long a time, they lose interest, and feel like they will never dig themselves out of the hole they created- a day, a weekend of losing a privilege is usually a long enough time, although I have taken my daughter’s cell phone away until her grades got up to C’s (which took much longer!). 2. the same time frames should work with grounding- don’t let the hole get too big- even day by day is a good time frame to get cooperation and compliance. 3. when they are earning rewards, shorter time frame again- letting them know they are making progress toward BIG rewards is good, such as putting money aside for the cell phone/ipod, etc. 4. try and let the “clean your room”, not be your standards- it’s a losing fight with most kids so just close the door and ignore it. 5. follow through- do not make idle threats- they don’t work and your child knows that. 6. pick your battles – say yes when you can and NO when it really counts. 7. Talk to them often, focus on their good qualities, let them know you see the good in them, and remember the teen brain is still developing. It will get easier. I promise!
Devona L Marshall sees teens, individuals, families and couples in her practice. She is a parent of 3 and understands the challenges and rewards in parenting as our children start to spread their wings. She can be reached at Devona@kettlemorainecounseling.com

We have openings for new clients and accept new referrals! We are on most insurance panels, and we have day, evening and weekend hours for your convenience.

We also have 2 new therapists starting in the next few weeks who will join our experienced team. The September newsletter will highlight those ladies and their expertise.

August 2010 Newsletter of Kettle Moraine Counseling Services!

We have been trying to get the kids on a better sleeping regiment in anticipation of school starting- but it hasn’t been going too well. Thank goodness we have a few weeks yet to change these habits.

Most of us as parents want to start the school year off on a good foot. Here are some tips to make that happen:

Start the sleep schedule a few weeks ahead of time.
Try and be consistent with schedules and meal times. Healthy eating and exercise can go a long way in helping us feel strong and adapt to change.
Make homework a priority and part of the routine. When doesn’t matter, but a routine does. As your children get older, give them more responsibility for it. Parents won’t always be there and giving them the responsibility is good for their development.
Encourage a lot of sleep the first 2 weeks because the adjustment can be difficult on their bodies- from the lazy days of summer to all day in school.

Have fun on the weekends! The summer will still be here for a few weeks after school starts, and make it a point to enjoy it while it is still here- swim, look at the stars, grill out- just enjoy those last days of summer.

Research Update:

August 6, 2010, USA Today Web use may be linked to depression. Teens who spend far too much time on the Internet run the risk of developing depression, a new study suggests.

Traumatic sexual incidents may cause serious mental health problems in the years after the events. From Medical News Today July 2010.

I am having trouble communicating with my partner.

Question of the month: I am having trouble communicating with my partner.

When I discuss this with my friends, they say all marriages are difficult and I shouldn’t worry. What are some warning signs that my spouse and I might be headed for trouble?
Dr. John Gottman of University of Washington , one of the foremost marriage researchers, claims he can predict with 90% accuracy if a couple will divorce. In his storied “love lab,” Gottman studies how couples communicate in heated moments. After 30 years of research, he has pinpointed four problematic behavior patterns. He refers to them as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

Horseman #1: Criticism
Criticism focuses on the person rather than on a behavior. “You are so lazy. You did not do anything with the kids today.”

Horseman #2: Contempt
Contempt includes but is not limited to name-calling, hostility and sarcasm.

Horseman #3: Defensiveness
Criticism + Contempt = Defensiveness. Defensive statements become regular patterns in relationships where contempt and criticism flow frequently. Defensiveness builds walls and blocks healing and forgiveness.

Horseman #4: Stonewalling
Stonewallers withdraw and essentially give up emotionally.

Start to look for these patterns in your communication with your partner. Although it may seem overwhelming, some simple techniques can make big changes. Consider reading some of Gottman’s work or attending a couple’s session to learn some new skills.

Lori Landy MSW LCSW SAC sees adults and couples and can be reached at lori@kettlemorainecounseling.com or 262.334.4340

Research Highlights:

Is exercise the best drug for depression? June 19, 2010 , TIME Magazine

Despite limited data, the trials all seem to point in the same direction: Exercise boosts mood. It not only relieves depressive symptoms, but appears to prevent them from recurring.

Quitting smoking may ease stress levels June 16, 2010 , Reuters

Smokers often say they need a cigarette to calm their nerves, but a new study suggests that after a person kicks the habit, chronic stress levels may go down.

Brain scans show how meditation calms pain June 13, 2010 , USA TODAY

People who routinely practice meditation may be better able to deal with pain because their brains are less focused on anticipating pain, a new study suggests.

Blog Excerpt: www.devonamarshall@blogspot.com from Honoring Endings

We need to honor our endings and our new beginnings. It’s not only healing for us but also can help with grieving and anxiety. If we don’t properly acknowledge a loss that energy or emotion can get “stuck” and can prevent us from moving on or fully engaging in our new life. Processing a new beginning and what it all means and how life will change is very helpful (for all of us that have had babies- you know what I mean!) Showers, weddings, funerals and all the planning that goes with them can be great ways of recognizing and honoring the changes in our lives, especially if we do them in a very thoughtful, introspective way.

From the Director

The heat is on! Plants are growing- I got my first cucumber off my plant this past week, and the grape tomatoes are on the plants, but not ready for picking yet. On my bike ride, I see a lot of wild raspberries ready for picking, and I hope to make it to the strawberry patch soon- yummy strawberry shortcake. I hope you enjoy your summer- moonlit strolls, grill outs, and fireflies!
Devona

Don’t over schedule your children this summer- down time is essential for imagination and play!

I am worried my child may be using drugs. I don’t know what to do!

I got the pleasure to spend time this past weekend (at our cabin) with some of my nephews (and two of my children), who are all mainly teens, and what a fun experience!

Question of the Month: I am worried my child may be using drugs. I don’t know what to do!

This is a question we often get as counselors, and it is certainly a scary time for parents when they have some suspicions about drug use. Keep talking to your teen, share your suspicions in a calm manner. Do not accuse but ask about use. Explain why you think they may be using drugs.

Will they be honest with you if they are using? Probably not, but you are opening the lines of communication. Give your teen some education around drugs and their effects when the opportunities arise- do not over dramatize because they will not listen. Information is power. Monitor who your child’s friends are (you can’t choose their friends, but you should know who they are) and where they are hanging out.

Call parents to make sure there is supervision when they are going to another teen’s home. Establish and enforce rules about checking in with you when they are gone. Spend time with your teen and talk with them, not at them. Will this prevent or stop all drug use? No, but having a relationship with your teen will help in the good and bad times. Knowing that you are checking up and in with them regularly, gives teens a sense of safety and consistency even though they will complain about it. And seeking advise/help from a school or community counselor is always a good option to help you navigate through these magical, yet difficult years!

Devona Marshall, the clinic director and psychotherapist, has a blog where she writes about therapy, life and being human. It can be found at www.devonamarshall.blogspot.com or www.lostinrelativity.blogspot.com

Hanging with Teens

I got the pleasure to spend time this past weekend (at our cabin) with some of my nephews (and two of my children), who are all mainly teens, and what a fun experience!

We sat around the campfire, talking about our first kisses, and everyone participated. I have to say my sister’s answer to that question was quite interesting! We also talked extensively about drugs and let’s just say, they are exposed to a lot. Way more than I ever was as a teen, and it’s so much more available.

I am proud of how they are all making their way through those teen years, with challenges I never had to face. But they are making THEIR way through.

My sisters and I raised our children together, and that has been a huge blessing. The support we get from each other in the parenting department is invaluable. And I know they love my kids and want what’s best for them.

There was a lot of testosterone flowing this weekend- wrestling and seeing who was stronger. I wonder if they will ever outgrow that? There is definitely a hierarchy based upon strength and size among these cousins, and as a female, it’s pretty foreign to me!

On Monday we all went home and back to duties-them school, the adults- work.

I feel blessed.
Devona

Happiness may come with age, study says
May 31, 2010, The New York Times

A new study has found that by almost any measure, people get happier as they get older, but researchers are not sure why.

About Bullying

I am glad that this topic is getting all the media attention. As a teen I was on both sides of bullying- I was a bully (in middle school) and I got bullied (by older kids) in high school. I shudder when I think of some of the things I said to kids when I was in middle school (and this was a parochial school!).

Bullying

As a therapist I see adolescents who get bullied and who are the bullies. How not to raise a bully? EMPATHY building is the key, and how you do that is to try and help your child see the other’s perspective and how they feel. This takes practice and a lot of talking in the family. Empathy building begins at home- work at accepting differences, being tolerant, and reducing competition.

If your child is bullied- I feel for you and them. Help them to develop a support system and activities away from school (or where the bullying occurs) so that they have success and outside interests away from the bullying. Teach them ways to stand up for themselves (assertiveness skills), and get the school involved when appropriate.

Bullying a red flag for depression

April 21, 2010, MSNBC
Research shows that bullying can be a red flag for depression and suicidal behavior in both bullies and victims.

When Conversations Become Heated

Slow things down! Breathe! Breathing becomes shallow when we are upset-taking longer, deeper breaths calms the body and mind. Take 10 seconds to breathe.
If needed, take a Time Out, to compose yourself. An hour is usually more than enough-often 5-10 minutes will work too.
State your position, but listen to the other person’s side too! Look for some point of agreement in both sides- this is difficult, but with practice becomes easier. This tip is extremely important to stop gridlocks. The more each of you feel heard and understood the less likely gridlocks will occur.
Look for solutions/compromises. If there aren’t any (which will happen) agree to disagree, but be respectful of the other’s point of view. There isn’t a right or wrong, just different viewpoints.
Remember you are on the same Team. What’s healthy for the TEAM? If one person always wins, that is very bad for the team. Try and think in terms of win win for both people. You want your team to be strong and continue to grow!